Sunday, July 12, 2009

School's Out Day 19: Inner Voice/Outer Voice

Had a great day out on my dad's boat today. Weather was perfect, tall ships were beautiful, and hubby and the kids were on their best behavior. Huh. Nothing good to blog about there. (Is it bad that now I'm kind of hoping for something to go wrong every day for the sake of my dedicated blog readers?) Anyway, in lieu of the fact that the boat didn't capsize, no one took a fish hook in the eye, and the coast guard didn't arrest my father (which is actually surprising because they were having a field-day out there and my father is not exactly a rule-follower)....anyway, with nothing bloggable from our day I wanted to share with you some of the daily turmoil I experience with my inner voice. Please note, that my inner voice speaks rapidly, so read it as fast as you can. Also, my inner voice has a bad mouth which I will try to contain on here - but please feel free to add expletives as you see fit.

Scenario #1
I'm in line at Target and the cashier opens a new register and says, "I can help THE NEXT person over here." The person BEHIND me (who obviously was not next) immediately bolts to the new register." Then they turn once they get their stuff on the conveyor belt and say, "Oh, sorry...I'm in a rush."
My outer voice says: "Oh, yeah, that's OK, fine."
My inner voice says: "YEAH don't mind me, just standing here for my health. I got nowhere to go -nothing to do. You stupid S.O.B.. I hope your sale stuff rings up full price, your check bounces and that ugly lamp you bought cracks on the way home."

Scenario #2
Friends come over for a play-date and a few minutes in to the play-date it's obvious to me that these kids (siblings) should have been quarantined at home, because clearly, they are ill. Their Mom says, "Oh my goodness.....look at them, their noses just started running this morning. I hope they're not coming down with something."
My outer voice says: "Yeah, tis the season, everyone has runny noses lately. Probably allergies. Not to worry, I just got tissues in massive quantities at BJ's Wholesale."
My inner Voice says: STARTED RUNNING THIS MORNING!!! -- what a bunch of BS that is. You've probably been home with them all week and you were just sick of those snotty-nosed little swine-flu buggers running around YOUR house, touching all YOUR stuff, so you brought them over here to touch my kids and my stuff and our doorknobs and toys and stick their little infected hands into MY box of Goldfish and let them get my kids sick so I can frickin sit home miserable like you were before you came over here. You selfish S.O.B.

Scenario #3
Husband is in the fridge looking for the left-overs. He says, "I can't find the left-overs in here."
My outer voice says: MOVE SOMETHING!!!-- seriously....what the &*#^ (add your own word here) -- if it doesn't jump out and bite you, it's not in there. Give me a break. LOOK AROUND -- it's IN there for Chrissakes.
My inner Voice says: see outer voice for this one, it's the same

I'm traveling... and everywhere I go people are stopping me to hear me say something-- to hear my Boston accent, like I'm some sort of freak show from the circus.
My outer voice says: "Ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, I'm from Boston.....obviously, as if you couldn't tell....(LOL). Ok, here goes: I'm gonna PAHK my CAH in HAVAHD YAHD. Hehehehehehe"
(laughter ensues)
My inner voice says: YOU piece of %%#% hill-billy losers, I don't have an accent, YOU have the accent. I'll PAHK MY CAH where the sun don't shine if you don't shut your trap and get away from me already.

1 comment:

  1. hahahahahhahaha this post made me laugh out loud. hard. hahaha i freakin love you!