Tuesday, June 30, 2009

School's Out Day 7: Fritzy Fridge

The weather continues to disappoint....so I had to "pull out the big guns": a new playground-- this great hidden gem in Boxford where I had been once last summer. I called a couple of my mommy peeps and gave them directions. They were beside themselves. When you're a mom, and you find a new spot to take your kids, it's the equivalent of a 21-year-old finding the coolest new watering hole in town. It's as exciting as a young single chick (whose body has yet to be trashed by pregnancy and childbirth) finding a hot little fuchsia dress on clearance. So the kids had fun even though all the playground equipment was soaked and tomorrow is July 1st and they needed their jackets on (no joke). LET'S GET to the highlight of today....my malfunctioning refrigerator. I went to pour Maddy's milk this morning, only to find that it was frozen, solid. Let me state for the record that I hate Sears and the whole Kenmore line. We did our kitchen over a few years ago, and I got all new "Kenmore Elite" appliances...and THEY ALL S*CK. Don't get me started. In any event, we had this same problem with the fridge once last year too....I called Sears, only to find out that my extended warranty had expired July 8. Guess what day I called??July 10th. I tried (unsuccessfully) to convince the woman on the phone that there should be some sort of 48 hour extension on those extended warranties AND that I am CONVINCED they program these appliances to malfunction days after the warranty is up. So here we are, in July and the fridge is on the fritz, again --programmed to happen on the anniversary just as I suspected. Spent a good portion of my afternoon lugging everything to the downstairs fridge (glad I have it - but it's supposed to be for alcoholic beverages and expired condiments from last year's cookouts). Which also meant I could no longer ignore the sticky mess of whatever the hell melted in the downstairs freezer. Called my husband, (who, once again, gets to be at work) to B**** and he's annoyed at my phone calls. HA! Wait till he finds that I had no choice but to leave his "tasties" out to get warm. I have way too much food, esp. in the freezer. If you hear of anyone on the North Shore getting dehydrated any time this summer....send them over to my house as I have enough pedialyte pops to get the USA through the H1N1 epidemic. The ONE thing I am very grateful for.....that because of my dedication to FB and my blog...I haven't been food shopping in awhile. Think of all those over-processed chicken nuggets that were spared.
PS: Is it bad that I ate three Lean Cuisine dinners and a couple of Klondike bars for lunch? I just couldn't stand to see them defrosting.

Monday, June 29, 2009

School's Out Day 6: Bedtime Story

The weather still bites, we're in the house, blah blah. (can you tell it's effecting my mood now)Went to story time this morning....you would have thought they were giving out college scholarships it was so crowded. Turns out, they weren't - the only thing going on was the gathering of 200 desperate-housebound moms with their 400 children on another rainy day gathering around a minimum-wage-paid teenager who could hardly read a sentence aloud. Anyway....Ava had a play-date this afternoon (thanks Jenn!) and Maddy was napping. What was this Mom to do, but facebook, blog, and email (who cares if there's nothing for dinner and no clean clothes to wear - my 15 blog readers will be amused)....so I look at my profile on this account. I spelled elementary wrong in one spot...but more importantly there was one last part I had yet to fill in...."Random Question" and it said: "The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:" So I type the story in the little box once....no-go, doesn't save....so I type it again....(like an idiot), guess what, didn't save (true story)...third time's a charm (good news is: the story kept getting better), finally I use my brain and type it in a word document. So I paste it from word into my profile.....no dice, story is too long. If you think I was editing it, AGAIN.....not a chance, esp. where I would have to remove the important details. If you think I'd forget about it, you don't know me at all. I spent all afternoon writing this thing....and can't wait to read it to the girls this evening. So here goes:
Ok my little precious darlings….gather ‘round…Mommy is going to tell you a nice bedtime story about the bald frog and the wig (as my blog profile has randomly suggested I do)…Once upon a time there was a bald frog. The bald frog couldn’t sleep because his green, clammy, mis-shapen head was too cold. Then, by some divine intervention, a wig appeared – floating peacefully on a lily pad near-by. The frog made a bounding leap and snatched up the wig and placed it on his head. He felt so toasty and warm (although he looked pretty foolish) that he hopped under his rock, closed his eyes, said his prayers (being sure to thank God for the wig), and WENT TO FRIGGIN SLEEP. And he NEVER got up to pee, not even ONCE. (and he didn’t pee his rock either). And he never, ever cried or called out for his mother….because he knew she was having the mommy time she so desperately needed and he would NOT, under any circumstances want to interfere with that precious time, because he knew her sanity depended on it. So the sweet little frog laid his pink-rock-star-wig head down and slept soundly through the night. And in the morning, he rose… ever so quietly (as to not wake his sleeping mother), made himself breakfast, sun-screened himself and sent himself off to summer camp. The End.
Now my precious daughters…..get under those covers so you’ll be warm and toasty like the nice little bald frog and GO TO FRIGGIN SLEEP!!!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

School's Out Day 5: Toiletries vs. European Facial

The weather was horrific today (AGAIN!!!! shocker)....so I did some errands. Rolly will tell you -- if I leave the house...I cost us a couple hundred bucks, easy. Whatever it is, Target, Market Basket....God forbid, the mall. Today I went to BJ's.....dropped $199 (which was pretty good after the $40 I had in coupons). There was no "retail therapy" at all for me..... no outfits for the kids, no clothes for me, not even a little something fun like a new book. All I had was soap, toothbrushes, dishwasher detergent capsules, trash bags, paper towels, toilet paper, diapers, diaper cream wipes, tissues.... so I come home....get the "hairy-eyeball" from him, like I spent the $200 on a luxurious day at the spa or something. And then it dawns on me.....we don't throw our money out the window here-- we wipe our "arses" and noses and counter tops with it!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!! Almost everything I bought was to clean-up the waste from some sort of bodily function. No fun, no fun at all. Like I tell my children (who are sleeping BTW), and my students...."Tomorrow will be a better day." Let's keep our fingers (and toes) crossed.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

School's Out Day 4: Fun in the Fog

So, after 187 consectutive days of rain (I said I'd tell true stories, but never said anything about exaggerating)...I figured I'd better make a plan to get out of the house. Rolly had the luxury of being at work on this sunny Saturday so it was just me and the kids -- headed to the beach.

AT HOME: I spent from 8AM to 10AM packing for the beach (which, it turns out, was longer than I even stayed there)....this included: 3 towels, 2 changes of clothes, various sunscreens, lunches, snacks, beverages, water-shoes, diapers, swim diapers, trash bags, sand toys, hats, cover-ups, epi-pens, elbuterol inhaler, cell phone, keys, money....I'm sure I'm forgetting something. I decided to enlist the help of the grandmothers.
THE BEACH: We leave hot sunny scorching Danvers and arrive at Nahant beach....where it is about 40 degrees, the wind is howling and the fog is so thick you can't see two feet in front of you. (No lie, see picture). THIS, my friends, is the story of my life - and why I keep a blog. The grandmothers exchange looks and start walking back to the car. "NO WAY", I say, "We're staying, I packed for two hours for this trip to Alaska." What I love about kids is that nothing phases them.....they had a ball despite the fact that they couldn't even see the ocean for the first 45 minutes. After some fun in the fog....we decided to head home. Packing up, I'd have to say, was possibly the most fun I've had so far this summer. Kids, towels, cooler.....EVERYTHING plastered with sand. I remove Maddy's soggy sandy swim diaper only to find she has pooped in it (of course). Anyone with kids and swim diapers can imagine what a good time that was. (remember....true stories)
RIDE HOME: Dump my ice coffee all over myself and my car....say some bad words, which Maddy repeats. (Does that ever happen in your car?)

SO.... I ask myself...."IS IT WORTH IT!?!???!??!?!?!?"
Of course it is.....look at those two little faces.
Hey, gotta run -- I would love to write more...but I have to go hose down the beach chairs and cooler, rinse the sand toys, shake out the towels, wash the wet bathing suits, vacuum the sand out of my car, and put the two kids in the tub so I can wash the sand out of all their crevices.

Friday, June 26, 2009

School's Out Day 3: Sleep Technique

Today I would like to publicly thank my neighbors for not calling the police, DSS or the men in white coats to come to my house last night - as I forgot to shut the windows before I had my little hissy-fit in the kitchen. There were many an expletive being shouted at the top of my lungs and a few cabinet doors were almost ripped off their hinges. My children have become quite disagreeable at bedtime. Last night was night #7, I'm starting to see a pattern here. Does this ever happen in your house??????

With all of my methods exhausted (reasoning, making threats, pleading, begging, and crying PLUS my hissy-fit) I resorted to my basement (family room) - turned off the monitor, turned on the TV (loud) and got on my email and FB to try and tune out the madness. And there, online I rec'd help from two special angels....my friend Keri (mom of 2 lil ones, awesome photographer who I vicariously live through) and my husband's friend Chris (dad of 2, who is much older and more experienced than I). IM's were popping up everywhere - but they both offered me the same advice....."IGNORE IT".
It was like light dawned on marble head. WHAT!?!?!?? You mean,ME -- with all the yelling crying begging pleading bargaining and 100 visits to their bedsides was actually perpetuating the whole thing????????????? DUH. I should know these things. Didn't they cover that in the first class we all took to get our parenting licenses?
An hour or so passed...and I actively ignored the nonsense. And then.....there was quiet.

So tonight, when I'm out with some of my fabulous friends enjoying a lovely dinner on the ocean and some strong cocktails.....will anyone be online to remind my husband to IGNORE it??? I can't have him destroying the progress I made last night.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Summer Vacation Day 2: Snake Bite

Late yesterday I thought, "Will I really have enough 'material' to write one blog entry a day?" (which now would be a good time to tell you, that I VOW to only tell 100% true stories, possibly embelished a little for the pure sake of story-telling.) Then, last night after the chaotic hell that we call bedtime in this house, (Ava crying: "I don't wannnnnnna sleep alone!!!!"....me thinking: "KID - What I WOULDN"T GIVE!!!!" Maddy in her crib in the next room yelling "Watch tee-dee, watch tee-dee, Momma's bed, Momma's bed): I thought, "One entry??? Really?? Where shall I document the rest of the nonsense that happens every day around here?"
Anyway, day 2 of "vacation" (I will most certainly need to find a new name for this 8 week hiatus from school) began just before 6AM when I awoke startled from a dream.....I was in a big glass cage at the zoo (yes, the zoo again: see the first post....and remember, true stories only - you have my word!) and a cobra snake had siezed it's jaws on my leg causing me excruciating pain. I woke up only to realize that I had not been bitten by a large venomous snake at all. The cobra who caused the intense pain in my leg was actually Stephanie - the instructor from my Wed. morning "chisel" class at the gym who apparantly felt that she has been ignoring the calf section of our legs for the past few weeks. Well, rest assured sweetpea.....you hit the calves, hard. I will be thanking you all day in my head as I hobble around after the children.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Summer Vacation Day 1: Ringpops for Breakfast

It was only 9:00 A.M. and I had already relinquished all control to the children. They were both eating ring pops for breakfast and Maddy had taken her diaper off 3 times already, peed on the floor and got the broom to "weep it" herself. I am wondering if anyone has invented some sort of apparatus to keep diapers on (along the lines of a chastity belt maybe -- HA, that could come in handy again in a few years!!!). The weather is certainly not helping! If I make one more zoo out of blocks I'm going to have to check myself into a zoo, permanently. Ava -- the kid I have to drag out of bed every morning for school- was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6:30 this morning. Of course she was. I'm wondering.....do these things happen in your house too?