Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Naughty Girl

Let's recap the last 20 minutes with Madelyn....
4:45 pm...."Maddy, what did you do in preschool today?" She replies, making spit bubbles in her mouth, "Blew spitballs."
4:50 pm....playing with the dollhouse. Mom doll is pushing twin dolls in the double stroller. Mom doll (Madelyn) says to the twin babies, "Sit down or I'm going to SMACK YOU!"
4:55 pm....I leave the room momentarily and it's suddenly very quiet. TOO quiet. "MADDDDDDDDYYYYYY, WHAT are you doing?" I ask - but get no reply.
Oh nothing mom, just stripped down to my undies, got a stool, brought it over to the tree and now I'm touching the ornaments you told me not to touch. (See photo)
5:00 pm...she sticks her baby doll in the corner for a "SIX MINUTE time out!"
WHERE is she learning this stuff?????? (Don't look at me!)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

More letters from the Big Guy

Dear Demers Girls,

Thank you so much for visiting one of my "helpers" at the mall. Santa's never quite sure who to hire for helpers, as some may very well be major perverts who get their jollies off having small children on their laps. But I know your Mom, like most moms, tucks this thought deep into her subconscience just so she can get the adorable Christmas picture she so desires.

Ava, your Mom and I were wondering when you were going to wonder if that was the REAL Santa at the mall, so I'm glad to see you finally using your noggin and inquiring about this, as you were a little behind the 8-ball on this one. Although, you must know that I, in fact, AM 100% REAL and you must never stop believing in me because it will break your mother's heart. Pretend if you must for a year or two, but whatever you do, DON'T tell your little sister or I'll have to break your fing -- I mean ----I'll have to put you on my naughty list. (Forgot who I was there for a second).

I am so glad that you and your sister thought of even more things I could bring you for Christmas, but I think you've met the per capita quota for gifts. I was truly surprised to hear you ask for an"Easy Bake Oven," especially since you didn't even write it on the Christmas List that you mailed to me approximately 2 minutes before coming to sit on my lap. Please refer to my previous letter -- item #9, as "easy bake ovens" are specifically mentioned in the "crappy tasting food items" section of gifts I don't bring. You asked for it last year too, give it up already. And while we're on the topic, Santa forgot to tell you that I don't bring American Girl dolls anymore either. See the cute ones you're holding in this picture, try paying a little more attention to these dolls first! Santa sees everything, so I know it was your Mom who got those dolls dressed in their Christmas dresses and insisted that you hold them for the picture...nice touch though.

Before I go, I must ask Ava one last question. In early October your Mom asked you what you wanted for Christmas this year and you replied without so much as a moment's hesitation, "One of those bags you sit on and air comes out." (whoopee cushion) How on Earth did you go from THAT to an Ipod Touch?

Much Love,

Santa Claus

PS: An Ipod touch falls under item #6 on the list of gifts Santa never brings "Items your Mom and Dad don't have!"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pen Pals with Santa

Dear Demers Girls,
As Christmas quickly approaches, I felt there was no time like the present to let you know that Santa never ever brings the following Christmas gifts:
1. Drum sets

2. Make-up

3. Dogs, cats, or rabbits

4. Things with more than 10 pieces

5. Things that have to be assembled

6. Things that your mom and dad don't have (lap tops, ipods, blackberry phones)

7. Things that are hard to find and therefore exploited on Ebay and Craiglist. (Remember those Zhu Zhu pets I managed to make in my toy shop last year.....yeah, where are they now? Enough said).

8. Things that will cause any destruction to the household furnishings (scissors, paint, sharpies)

9. Things that involve you making crappy-tasting food items like: Easy Bake ovens, snow cone machines, etc.

I realize that this eliminates most things on your Christmas list, but rules are rules. And if any of your friends say that they have received any of these gifts from me, they are lying.

Much Love,
Santa Claus

What items does Santa ban in your your house?

Saturday, November 13, 2010


An update on the last 3 blog entries...

1. Friday came, (the day after Veteran's Day holiday) and I had to drag Ava out of her bed for school. But Saturday she was the first one up, again. I'm just glad that this is the biggest issue I'll ever have to deal with when it comes to her. Parenting just gets easier as they get older. Right?

2. I never did get around to writing a real pretend letter from Santa asking for JB Jacks return to the North Pole until December. (The other letter I wrote was not really for the children. Since my husband actually had to ask me if I was leaving that letter for them - I thought there might be others out there who were wondering the same thing. I thought it was pretty obvious, but maybe no one gets my humor after all!?!??) In any event, turns out I've been creeping around the house each night hiding Jingle Bell Jack for no reason. The kids have already forgotten about him. Perfect foreshadowing to the events of Dec. 26th when the novelty of all their new toys will have worn off as well. I think I did find a way to rekindle Ava's interest in JB Jack though (see photo). She looks like she is having sweet dreams too, poor kid. (Looks like mother of the year will have to wait just one more year).

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thank a Veteran, Punish your daughter

On the first day of starting this blog I vowed to only tell true stories (see archives!) but today I vow to not even exaggerate...although that promise may only apply to today's blog (come on, give me something to work with here). So here goes.... Every.Single.Solitary day I rip my 7 year old out of her bed by her feet. I start the gentle awakening process at around 6:50 a.m. by opening her bedroom door, turning on her light, pulling her shades up and taking her covers off. I end the unsuccessful gentle awakening process at approximately 7:20 (school bus comes at 7:45) when I tear the covers off again grab her feet and pull her out of her bed. I then carry her stiff, lifeless body into the bathroom where I undress her and position her on the toilet seat. I leave her there to continue getting myself ready for work. I could return in ten minutes, or a week later (oops, I couldn't even keep my new promise for one blog) - either way she's still sitting there no matter how long I'm gone. I then position her at the sink to brush her teeth and hair. All the while I am ranting and raving posing one empty threat after another....pretending to hear the school bus coming, threatening to cancel every activity she has planned from now until New Year's, even resorting to "you'll go to bed tonight without your supper" (clearly this worked for parents of the 1950's)...all of which to no avail. On Saturdays, I drag her out of bed to go to her sister's dance class, on Sunday I drag her out of bed to go to CCD (WHAT KID doesn't jump out of bed for THAT!?!?). BUT THEN... came TODAY. Thursday. Veteran's Day. No school, no work, no dance, no religious education. A day to sleep-in and rejuvenate oneself from a busy week. Did I have to drag her out of bed today? Funny you should ask. NO, I didn't. She was up, on her own, at the crack of azz while the rest of us were sleeping in a completely quiet house. Seriously!?!? Does this happen at your house?

While I'm up - I might as well thank a veteran. My #1 veteran...my Dad...who at 19 years old, fought in a thankless war where most of the people he was fighting for didn't want him there and the people back home were protesting too. My dad, who 40 years later, still carries so much of that war around with him. Dad, I hope that someday you will find some peace, but I know you are a changed man because of your experiences. I also hope the day comes that you will let me write about it. xoxoxoxoxo

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Hit the Road Jack

I needed some way to not have to hide the elf every night from now until Xmas....so what better excuse to pack Jack away than a letter from the old Mr. Claus himself?
Dear Demers Girls,

Thank you so much for adopting Jingle Bell Jack, he has had a lovely time staying at your home so far and he has filled me in as to what's been going on with you and your family. I would like to address some of my concerns so that we can see some improvement before the big C day.

Ava, you must make a better effort to get up and get ready for school in the morning. Your stalling, whining and complaining is surely going to cause your poor, hard-working mother to have a nervous breakdown. She has already developed a nervous twitch in her eye. I realize you are the product of two non-morning people, but surely you can try a little harder to brush your teeth and hair and present yourself at the breakfast nook all dressed and ready for school. PS: the clothes your mom picks out for you are super cool, so save yourself the aggravation and just wear them. You may not admit this until you're out of college, but I want to tell you something now and you can file it away for the future, Moms are always right!

Madelyn, you are quite the character my dear. But you are only 3, and you really shouldn't be using the word "stupid" as often as you do. Just yesterday JB Jack told me the story of how you had your Elmo towel on your head and you said to Jen, "Jen did I used to wear this towel when I was a baby?" To which she replied, "Yessss, you did. And you looked soooooo cute, I just wanted to pinch your cheeks." And then you ruined the moment by saying, "Yeah, now I just look stupid." Despite the fact that you caused a grown woman to cry with laughter and almost pee her pants- this kind of language is simply not becoming of a sweet little 3 year old girl. PS: I need you to narrow down your Xmas list by naming maybe one or two things in the toy catalogue that you actually DON'T WANT....that would be easier. Thanks honey.

Rolly, you really need to stop checking the bank account online while your wife is at the mall. Your poor wife works full-time and then comes home to nurture your needy children. Shopping is one of the only pleasures she gets out of life. It really takes the joy out of it when you are already aware of the purchases by the time she pulls in the driveway, she really wants to surprise you.

Keri, keep up the good work. JB says you're like a regular wonder-woman and could possibly be up for mother of the year in addition to teacher of the year. Although, he says you have banned him from your room as well (like Ava), I hope there's nothing naughty going on in there that you are hiding from me.

Well, Demers family, I am sorry to say that I need Jingle Bell Jack to come back and help me at the North Pole until the end of November. You see with the recession, I had to lay off a bunch of the teacher elf aids at the elf academy, and with the No Elf Left Behind (NELB) act all of my elves are supposed to be proficient by 2014 so I need JB Jack to come back and help tutor some of the elves. I will make sure he's back by December 1st. Thank you for your cooperation!

With Love,
Santa Claus

Jingle Bell Jack

Well, the Demers family finally has a son (albeit, adopted) and he goes by "Jingle Bell Jack." (creatively named by Ava and Maddy). He's the Elf on a Shelf (we're a little late on this phenomenon, but finally it was something blog-worthy). For those of you with post-Santa aged children....let me build some background for you....the elf on a shelf is a little elf character and picture book. The story has it that the elf flies back to the North Pole each night and let's Santa know if you're behaving (kids only, no worries). Then he perches in a new spot and the kiddies have to find him in the morning. He comes all inclusive with an adoption certificate signed by Santa Claus himself. To the normal child, this brings additional excitement and enjoyment to the already joyful holiday season and to the normal parent, this brings one more thing to remember during the most hectic time of the year (moving him each night....because, he's actually not magic at all, it's just pretend). Now to OUR child....who likes to contemplate the smallest details of life and worry herself into a tizzy, the Elf brings yet a new form of anxiety. After reading the picture book, I placed the Elf on the mantel (which was a rookie mistake: it's MUCH too soon to start these foolish "move the elf in the night" antics). I then answered (as best I could, not knowing how this Elf magic really works) a plethora of Ava's questions regarding the logistics of how the elf got in and out of the house, how he got to the North Pole and back etc. Shortly thereafter, while the rest of us had moved on to something else, I hear Ava in the living room whispering to the elf, asking (PLEADING) with him not appear in her room overnight. She clearly marked some boundaries in the hallway that he was not to go past and she looked at him with such hope in her eyes - looking for some sign that he understood what she was saying. She went over these plans again with "JB Jack" about 10 times before she went to bed. Now for the normal parents, this would cause great concern and perhaps a reconsideration of this new addition to the family. But for US, it was pure hysteria. We both chuckled in the other room, laughing harder and harder everytime we heard her in there talking to him. She asked us for a banana right before bedtime, so of course I had JB Jack hold the banana in his hands and I brought it into her room and gave him a tour....and she once again told him he could look around now, but he couldn't come back later. Although we had evil thoughts of poking JB's head through the crack of the door we decided that the cost of therapy would far outweigh the short-lived amusement. Sure enough, Ava sprang out of bed this morning and looked for JB, who was sitting in a new spot in the living room (1st NIGHT with the Elf - and I went to bed and forgot to move him, but shockingly enough Rolly remembered). She was overjoyed with his obedience and has already begun to trust him. Maddy, on the other hand - unphased by the presence of this creepy little character woke up and said, "WHERE'S the PRESENTS?" Clearly, she missed some of the details in the story. So JB Jack is supposed to remain with us until Dec. 24th when he flies back with Santa until next year. Supposed to....but I'll have to think of something, that is just TOO many nights and not enough perching spots within the perimeter Ava has roped off.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Out of the mouths of babes....

Picture this: my little Maddy, head to toe in yellow feetie pajamas, standing by the door rubbing noses with the two doggy-blanket things she sleeps with, binky in her mouth going a mile-a-minute. With pangs in my heart that I have to leave her everyday and go to work, I bend down and kiss her cheek , "Bye Maddy," I say sweetly. The binky stops moving and she replies, "Bye stupid."
My mother-in-law and I turn around and face the other way so she won't see us laughing...I compose myself as fast as I can and say, "MADDY! That's not nice! Don't say that to Mama!" And she quickly redeems herself by waving her chubby little fingers, and saying in her sweetest little voice, "Bye Mumma! Bye Mumma!"
I laughed all the way to work. Called my Mom and was laughing so hard I couldn't even get the word "stupid" out. I Kept saying, "And then she said....and then she said..."
I can't lie, I still chuckle every single time I even think about it. She was so dry, so matter-of-fact, "bye stupid." That's one for the baby book.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Mom to the Rescue

I apologize in advance for the bathroom talk, but that's where this story took place , so it was kind of unavoidable. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work this morning when Ava came in to use the toilet. Moments later she was screaming & crying "THERE'S A POOP STUCK in my BUTT!!!! HELP! HELP! Mom, there's a poop and it won't come out!" She was HYSTERICALLY crying so I figured it was the perfect time to lecture her about how eating more fruits and vegetables (see yesterday's blog) would help her with this problem. Well, surprisingly that little pep-talk didn't help with the situation or stop her from crying. I then told her to push really hard and rock back and forth a little bit. Nah, still crying. She then took a big deep breath and blurted out, "MOM, can you reach in there and grab it for me?" Now, I have always been one to say, "I'd do anything for my kids..." but this is really where I have to draw the line. Sorry kid. I'll pack you some prunes for snack.
Fast forward to 3 PM today....when I arrived home to the same kid, HYSTERICALLY crying because her tooth was, "VERY VERY LOOSE AND WIGGLY and IT HURTS!!!!!" Now this is her FIFTH wiggly tooth...and out of the four she's lost already, three of them were lost biting an apple. So we know this is a proven method and nothing to freak-out about. But she was carrying on like you wouldn't believe! Being the kind compassionate Mom that I am, I whipped out my cell phone to capture the nonsense on video. Too bad I don't know how to transfer it to my computer. In any event, she's on the video screaming and crying, "I just want this to be all over with!" (so dramatic - where on Earth does she get this from anyway?). Next she tries counting to ten and taking a bite of the apple but keeps chickening out (just like she did last night when she attempted to try a piece of broccoli!). Eventually she took a bite, out came the tooth, she spit it all out on the counter and we called it a day. No trying any more veggies at dinner time tonight...I'm just too pooped out.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Eat your peas please....

We were standing in the kitchen at my parent's house on Saturday afternoon when my mother decided to make this big announcement, "YOU KNOW, your kids don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. They should be eating all different fruits and vegetables at every meal." THIS - from the woman who lets them have 3 popsicles each within the first 5 minutes she's babysitting and NEVER EVER says "No" to anything when it comes to them. So I thought I'd have her put her money where her mouth was..."GATHER ROUND CHILDREN," I announced loudly (no joke)...."Nana is NOW going to feed you some vegetables!" No one came running over, of course, and she had to lean over and put her head down on the counter-top -- laughing so hard she couldn't even stand-up, clearly realizing how ridiculous she was being! So that night I decided I was going to make Mom proud and feed these kids some broccoli, dammit. I heated up some frozen green giant broccoli florets with cheese sauce (sounds gross, but goes great on a baked-potato!) called the kids to the counter and made my second announcement of the day, "TONIGHT...you are going to try some broccoli." I then lied and told them that I used the cheese from the macaroni and cheese package and put it on the broccoli. Ava made a face and Maddy said, "That yucky." I told them both they HAD to try it. Ava put it on her fork....smelled it, licked it lightly, wiped the cheese off with her napkin, inspected it thoroughly and said, "Ok, I'll count to ten..." She nervously counted to ten, brought the fork close to her mouth and then chickened out at the last second. She counted to ten a second time and as I shouted "Just EAT IT will you!?!??!?!" She took the teeniest tiniest little bite and thrashed her tongue around trying to spit it back out. Ridiculous. Maddy watched in horror, and then it was her turn. She also inspected it at every angle, gave it the hairy-eyeball, cried (real tears) and eventually covered her mouth when I took the fork and tried to make her taste it. So I beg of you, tell me this happens in your house!?!?!
PS: Have they passed legislature naming ketchup as a vegetable yet?

Sunday, February 28, 2010


"Hey, look - Mommy bought you matching t-shirts for St. Patrick's Day!" Maddy says, "YAY! Mine is red and Ava dut a bwue one!" (got a blue one). Clearly, we are having some trouble with colors. So much so that her day care teacher (a former Kindergarten teacher) thinks there could be a problem. She said, "I went over the color white with her, and then I had her look out the window at all the snow and said, 'What color is the snow Maddy?'" Maddy replied, "Red." Yikes.

Back at home, an idea popped into my head. So with a hand full of skittles, I held one up and said "Maddy, tell me what color this is and you can have it." And one at a time she miraculously named all her colors. A little motivation goes a long way. ;)

My 25 followers have been harassing me for more blogs (and one very special lady sent me a super sweet message about the blog stories 'making her day' - thanks Marie - this one is for you!)...so I thought I'd write down a story that my friends keep asking me to tell over and over again. Not sure if writing it will do it justice, but I'll try! So Ava informed me one morning back in the fall, that when I pick out her outfit for school, she wears a sweatshirt over it all day to cover it up. With that she ran off to the bathroom - last chance before heading out for the school bus. So I opened up her backpack and sure enough, there was a hooded sweatshirt. I took it out and crumbled it into a ball and quickly pitched it under the china cabinet as I heard her coming out of the bathroom. She puts her coat on, throws her backpack over her shoulder and opens the front door...then she pauses, looks over her shoulder and says, "Mom.........did you take my sweatshirt out of my backpack?" And with a shit-eating grin I replied, "WHY YESSSSS I did..." and with that I gave her a gentle little shove right onto the front porch and closed the door behind her. And there she was with her little face peeking through the glass pane on the door looking at me with disdain and I gave her a great big wave, "BUH BYE!!!....have a nice day at school." Ha!! Kid doesn't know who she's dealing with! (Jokes on me, as she probably had 3 more sweatshirts in her cubby at school!)