Dear Demers Girls,
Thank you so much for visiting one of my "helpers" at the mall. Santa's never quite sure who to hire for helpers, as some may very well be major perverts who get their jollies off having small children on their laps. But I know your Mom, like most moms, tucks this thought deep into her subconscience just so she can get the adorable Christmas picture she so desires.
Ava, your Mom and I were wondering when you were going to wonder if that was the REAL Santa at the mall, so I'm glad to see you finally using your noggin and inquiring about this, as you were a little behind the 8-ball on this one. Although, you must know that I, in fact, AM 100% REAL and you must never stop believing in me because it will break your mother's heart. Pretend if you must for a year or two, but whatever you do, DON'T tell your little sister or I'll have to break your fing -- I mean ----I'll have to put you on my naughty list. (Forgot who I was there for a second).
I am so glad that you and your sister thought of even more things I could bring you for Christmas, but I think you've met the per capita quota for gifts. I was truly surprised to hear you ask for an"Easy Bake Oven," especially since you didn't even write it on the Christmas List that you mailed to me approximately 2 minutes before coming to sit on my lap. Please refer to my previous letter -- item #9, as "easy bake ovens" are specifically mentioned in the "crappy tasting food items" section of gifts I don't bring. You asked for it last year too, give it up already. And while we're on the topic, Santa forgot to tell you that I don't bring American Girl dolls anymore either. See the cute ones you're holding in this picture, try paying a little more attention to these dolls first! Santa sees everything, so I know it was your Mom who got those dolls dressed in their Christmas dresses and insisted that you hold them for the picture...nice touch though.
Before I go, I must ask Ava one last question. In early October your Mom asked you what you wanted for Christmas this year and you replied without so much as a moment's hesitation, "One of those bags you sit on and air comes out." (whoopee cushion) How on Earth did you go from THAT to an Ipod Touch?
PS: An Ipod touch falls under item #6 on the list of gifts Santa never brings "Items your Mom and Dad don't have!"